Hypertention

Whatinthe?........I have high blood pressure. It is most likely hypertention. How weird is that? Those that know me would find this stange also........I am skinny, tall, and young with a high metabolism, and to the naked eye, most would never pin me for the type to have high blood pressure at my age (24....even though I look more like 19 and still can't grow a mustache to this day......but that is another blog entry entirely). I don't drink caffeine, alcohol, or smoke. Also, I walk almost everywhere I go. I never thought that I would have high blood pressure. I went to get my blood pressure checked kind of on a whim for kicks expecting to be healthy all "I knew it." Nope! Now I'm going to go to a doctor and see what the deal is. I guess that it makes sense to a certain degree......I stress out a lot and was once hospitalized because of it when I was taking a double-load of credits at the community college that I was attending in Spokane. I recently quit all the substances in my life. Now all that I ingest is food, water, juice, and air (do you ingest that?......well I breathe it anyway). Ever since I stopped using substances, my dreams have been coming back in full force and I am remembering them all too well. I have been having relentless nightmares almost everynight. I wake up in a panic literally soaking in cold sweat. My nightmares range from swarms of scorpions, to being shot and scarred, to the one I had last night where I got attacked by a group of guys and in defending myself proceeded to smash one guy's head into to ground untill it caved in. The scariest part of all of this is that these things all come from my own mind. When I had my blood pressure checked they gave me this color-reactive dot that sticks to your hand and shows your stress level. Yellow means mellow......green is normal........and black indicates the highest stress level. When they applied it to my hand it emmidiately turned black. I spent the rest of last night trying to relax and chill to see if I could get it to change color......to no avail. What is wrong with me? I don't feel all that stressed out.....but then, I didn't feel stressed either when I was so bent up that my organs started to quit on me and it turned into hospital time. On the real, I got a lot on my plate right now......more than normal. My great grandpa is in the hospital down in palm desert having a hard time recovering from a quadrouple by-pass surgery with kidney trouble and an infection in his lungs. I think about it a lot......most likely I think about it more than it helps the situation or me. My job is crazy nuts more than normal right now on the nine to five tip monday to friday and I have an eight hour art class on saturdays. This is all added to my normal diet of personal art, DJ-ing, and Mc-ing; all of which I feel bad about if I put down for too long. I get bugged out if I can't see progress on any or all of these fronts.....which is not all that realistic I know, but it's just how I feel. I find myself analyzing the situation trying to find a solution behind all the crazyness. Not being able to find a better way is also adding to my mental state. My friends are a good source for support when I am around them, but since I quit-it on my substance intake a lot of my bro's have quit stopping by to hang. I'm sure it has to do with me not going out to the bars and parties where everyone is also. Lately my roommate has been house-sitting his parent's place so I haven't seen him almost all week........one of my other best friends usually only comes around when my roommate does and he recently started seeing someone (which I am happy about for him, for real) and is kicking it less than he used to. My best friends are also the DJ's that I work with; for a while now they have been doing events and projects without me or without even telling me about it. I know they don't do it to exclude me on purpose but it is the end result. A lot of it has to do with the fact that they live kind of on bar-time....whereas I have a day job. Our lives are so different now that it is unrealistic for me to think that I could be a part of it all......as much as I wish it was so. I feel so isolated but I don't want to take what seems like steps backwards and turn to alcohol ect. to escape it. I guess what I'm getting at is that if I can't handle my shit on my own, then I would rather live with my shit than be a slave to a lifestyle that only supresses my problems and ultimately compounds them. Living with these issues rather than dealing with them seems to be adding to my stress level, but it's not like I'm not trying to deal.......it's just hard; especially since I have all these problems at the same time that I am having to invent new ways of coping with them outside of substance abuse. I'm gonna just try harder....it's all I CAN do. Here goes nothing.....wish me luck blogspotters.

"Religion?....Fuck That!" -Scottie MacKinnon

I keep coming back to this idea of satanism. Not because of Satan, but because of how everyone reacts when they hear that I have been reading into it. Something like 90% of everyone (even atheists and liberal people) are almost personally offended that I am educating myself on the subject......not even buying into it, but just reading about it. I fail to see how people can be so put off personally by my exploration of the subject. Its not as if I'm preaching it or glorifying it. I rarely divulge my studies on the topic and when I do, I mostly point out the holes in their theories. One thing that dawned on me is that Satan only exists as much as we give him existence in our minds. Our belief in him lends him power. I don't believe that he exists any further than as a symbol and scapegoat. I find it funny that the christian people (whom I respect and support as long as they don't push their thoughts on me just as I wont push Satan on them) give more power to Satan by being put off by him than I do by reading about him. I don't believe in Satan as an entity, but Christians that are offended by his presence obviously do believe he exists just as they believe in their god; thus giving him more substance in reality than I do. He is more real and damaging to them than he could ever be to me since I dismiss his existence as fiction. When I explained this perspective to my roommate, Scottie MacKinnon, his reaction was that of "Religion?......Fuck That!" I have to agree to a certain extent. I think spirituality is healthy....almost necessary, but it is such a personal thing. How could it be possible for everyone to relate to a higher power under the same circumstances? Organized religion is as fallible as man and isn't for me. I think that if religion works for some people and it helps them live a fulfilling life more than it controls them, then that is good thing........for them. Like I said, spirituality is so personal. Religion should be offered and not promoted. The Church of Satan doesn't believe in Satan as anything more than a symbol of opposition. In fact they aren't a religious group. They are more like an organization than a church......so their title is quite misleading being that they aren't a church and they don't recognize Satan personified. They promote self-worship as your own god being that we all are the centers and controllers of our own personal universe. There is no set morals, they believe that everyone in the world is so different and has such a unique perspective that it is crazy to think that there could be one set of guidelines that would work for everyone. They support finding the things in your own life you find to be most important; and then basing your own ethics around what you value and what works for you. How practical is that? There is a lot that I don't agree with, but the points that I have outlined are the ones that I can relate with even if I don't agree entirely. Why can't people respect my interests without having to relate with them? I kind of like the world better without answers to these kind of questions. Perhaps if the answers do exist, maybe they are different for everyone.

Graff-ic Novels

It is strange to me that I have been really into dark and gory graphic novels lately because I cant really handle real gore ever since I found a dead body in cope park with its head blown off my sophomore year in high school; an apparent suicide. So its weird to me that I not only can deal with, but I like glorified fantasy gore. I think it might be my way of coming to terms with that experience in a dissociative and fictional way. I even have a tattoo of one of my favorite artist's (Ashley Wood) version of the violator demon from a spawn recreation coming out of his human form on my shoulder. It depicts a human body splitting open with blood splattering everywhere and the demon looming out of the corpse only half emerged. Another thing I have always wondered about is why my own blood has never bothered me, but other people's injuries make me cringe. I have no theories to explain this. I have been really into Hellspawn, The Darkness, John Constantine Hellblazer, and all of the 30 days of night books. I have this fascination with hell and have been reading up on the Church of Satan and theistic satanism. Not to say that I agree with it all or that I am a satanist or theistic satanist, I just really enjoy the unique perspectives as entertainment value at least if not for practical life application. Some of it is really close to my own personal views on society though. I have been conceptualizing a graphic novel that I hope to put into action one day when my literary and artistic skills allow. It will be called "Demiurge." I am still developing ideas but so far it is set in the future after Armageddon and the final holy war between heaven and hell. At the end of the war god and Satan had fought hand to hand, and as a result killed each other off. This battle took place in heaven and the result of god and Satan clashing actually crumbles the heavens. So all that is left for settings in the graphic novel is the ruins of earth and the seven circles of hell. Satan is dead so rule of the seven circles of hell is left to the demon masters that oversaw their realms during the reign of Satan. I want to have each of the seven circles and their rulers based off one of each of the seven deadly sins. The gluttony circle will be for the damned gluttonous souls and the demon master of that realm will be all fat and nasty almost Jabba the Hut style and so on for the lust realm ect. There are a lot of comics that deal with battles between good and evil or heaven and hell so I needed to come up with a new angle to make it interesting and unique. I feel that having it set not during, but after the holy war is sufficient and creates a new vibe and sort of "now what" kind of hopeless futility that satisfies me and is perfect for the dark overall style of the book. I am happy with this premise since it holds this strange set of circumstances for the people who survived and still live on earth knowing that there is no chance for deliverance since heaven no longer exists. Basically it makes being good or believing in god pointless and impractical in the world that is left after the holy war. This leaves a futility that will fuel allegiances between Satan loyalists, converted Christians, and the powers that be on earth; the demons of hell will exchange seats of influence in hell once their souls descend for their loyalty to do their demonic bidding in what remains of earth. Earth will be a true breeding ground for sin, terror, mutilation, murder, mayhem, chaos, disease, and sadism ect. I still need to do some conceptualizing and development besides actually writing the dialogue, drawing the characters, frames and landscapes ect. Mainly I need to come up with the perfect protagonist, his power or influence, and his special relationship to earth and the seven circles. Stay tuned!